I have to say that it had crossed my mind that Rachel would ask me to stand in for Raymond at the Pub Quiz. They had known for some weeks that Raymond would not be available the third and forth weeks in July but, until he had left for Devon, somehow believed that they could change his mind.
Raymond had given in to his parents many times before and they could see no reason why they should be any less successful this time. After all they had succeeded the day Raymond was due to pick up his prize for winning a distinction for his English speaking board examination.
To be fair Derek and Rachel may have attended Raymond's "big day" if that week they hadn't wanted a holiday away. In the event, they engineered a brilliant excuse not to attend. Raymond put on a brave face as his parents left for Brittany, but was secretly gutted. Rachel & Derek tried to explain to their son that they had wanted to come, but a boy of thirteen did not appreciate the value of a "One Off Bargain Euro-Traveller Ticket,"and sobbed uncontrollably into his handkerchief pleading. "I simply fail to comprehend why it is that you can not travel "Cheap Rate" any other week-day afternoon." On the day Aunt Hilary, Julie, and Gretta represented the family and Raymond got his award. Though clearly still upset by his parents absence he perked up a little when friends commented on how beautiful his two sisters were, feeling particularly proud when Charles Forrester remarked, in his infuriatingly plummy voice, "What a nice "pair" Julie had." Not that Raymond approved of him referring to his sister's anatomy in that way, though he conceded that they were a nice "pair", but nonetheless the observation was a relief as it indicated a better than even chance that Charlie "The Palm" Forrester wasn't totally queer after all. This was of particular importance to Raymond, and a couple of his smaller chums, as Charles had been elected head boy, despite, or possibly because of, his propensity to fondle his juniors during P.E. Which told you something about the sexuality of the "majority" at Finchbury, and why the more "normal" boy's favoured a form of proportional representation when it came to selecting those to be authorised to administer the stick for non-conformity.
It wasn't just Raymond that lost out on the holiday, of course, though the girls didn't seem to mind. Gretta preferred to stay with her Aunt than holiday in France, and Julie was always grateful for some privacy with her latest boyfriend. Raymond, however, had been looking forward to a holiday with his mum and dad as he hadn't seen them for months locked away at school, and felt let down. To cap it all the lad even had to mind Sparticus so that Derek and Rachel avoided the Kennel fee.
The Peterson's technique was simple, they never asked for anything outright, that way they didn't feel obliged to give anything back in return. Derek & Rachel encouraged their prey to offer. In fact, in the face of their faultless system their hapless victim would eventually feel duty bound to help and in many cases actually imagined that Derek & Rachel were doing them a favour in allowing them to assist. The Peterson's were masters of guilt inducement, and used it to remarkable effect.
Rachel fired the opening shot by letting us know how upset Derek was about Raymond letting him down. On cue Gretta, concerned about her father's disappointment and totally oblivious to the game plan that was developing, asked where her father was. "He's upstairs having a rest." Rachel added hopelessly. "He'll need it with only three on the side." Gretta looked at me. My eyes didn't say yes, they didn't say no. It went on. Gretta, now subconsciously worried that I may not offer began, unknowingly, to aid and abet her mother on Derek's behalf. Years of this had made her accepting of it as normal (as it was for them) but it was transparently obvious to an outsider. Gretta planted another helpful question to her mother. "Can't Jeff stand in Mum?" Rachel answered cautiously. "No. He's very ill." Gretta was puzzled as she had seen Jeff in the town and, with the exception of a very slight limp, he looked fine. There was no one else really. Gretta and Rachel couldn't do it as Derek said it looked like nepotism. It was presented as a matter of life and death. The family was desolate though, at the same time, endeavouring to appear noble. Gretta finally asked and I prudently complied. ""Coach & Horses" - What company's logo is an over-weight figure made up entirely of tyres." The four members of the home team huddled together while Derek whispered the answer and Best Bitter into my ear. The opposition gave the answer "Mitchlen" and it was our turn for a business question.
The Secret to winning a Pub Quiz is to have a well-balanced team. One member to answer the Science questions another for Business and Numbers, one for History & Literature, and finally Sports. There were other categories, such as T.V., but generally the type of person that knew who won the F.A. Cup in 1972, or which First Division football team calls itself the "Canaries", will also know who plays Stan Ogden in Coronation Street.
The "Coach and Horses" had a formidably intelligent looking team. I did not allow the hideous gonk dangling its legs over the front of their table to divert me from the tell-tail signals of their intellectual superiority. They had one team member with little "John Lennon" glasses (History & Literature) another who hadn't combed, what was left of his hair, for a month and looked like Co-Co the clown (Science) and what I imagine to be a University Student of Social Sciences desperate not to give the wrong signals to Society by sporting an ill fitting Oxfam overcoat (Business). The only lady member of the team had no remarkable characteristic other than from where I sat I occasionally saw her knickers.
Our team wasn't bad either, though we had only one professional, a retired bank manager called Horrace. Derek liked Horrace and he and his wife Betty were sometimes invited to dinner at the Peterson's. There was also Louise Champion who taught P.E. at the local primary and of course Derek, our Captain, and I.
The Lounge was fairly full and with the background music silenced everyone that wanted to hear could do so. The Question Master turned to our team and looking through the officialdom inferred by a pair of half-moon glasses and a Harris Tweed jacket posed Derek his individual business question. "Which "high flying" entrepeneur almost gave his name to pickle before establishing one of Britain's most successful new companies." Derek couldn't confer, but had a minute to think. He knew this one, but on the spot the answer somehow eluded him. The "Coach and Horses" appeared to have the answer, and stared smiling at the Question Master in anticipation of him throwing it over to them for a bonus point. Horrace knew and was doodling a mass of hair and the largest set of crowns for teeth you have ever seen, but Derek was rattled. "I'll have to hurry you "Heron"." The Question Master asked politely as Derek rubbed his thumb and forefinger together as if he were trying to start a fire in his hand. Then, in a flash of incandescent lucidity, came Derek's answer. "BRANSON!" Quickly followed by "VIRGIN!" We were all relieved, and Horrace patted Derek on the back.
The rest of the individual round went well for us and despite my not knowing what a "Round Robin" was, which apparently is a Horse Racing term, completed the round 2 points ahead.
"Pleased with that team." Derek praised us masterfully. He liked being in charge. "Derek." I asked. "Will there be another individual round?" Derek replied. "Oh yes, two more." Holding two fingers pressed together in the air. I said oh, and Derek told me not to worry about my Horse Racing mistake, as it was unusual to have two individual sports question in succession. I was grateful for that. Although I enjoyed playing sports I didn't possess a great deal of knowledge on the subject. If I were asked to stand in again I would have to do a bit of homework. In particular I would have to learn where the numbers were on a dartboard and how many red balls there are on a snooker table. Which, according to Derek, came up a lot.
At the end of each round, which took about fifteen minutes, the game would pause allowing a sufficient time to consume a drink, order another one and, if necessary, go to the lavatory. The breaks were irritating, but the landlord had to make a living and just as encouraging the consumption of diuretics like salted peanuts and crisps, Pub Quiz's had to have a profitable break. The teams didn't mind they just wanted a good time and they were having one. Horrace came over to me during the break and asked me what I was drinking. I was tempted to say, "nothing at the moment, but when I feel the urge to sample the contents of my glass then, in theory, I can reply." In practice, however, it would be difficult to advise Horrace "what I was drinking" as my mouth would be full of beer. As Horrace stood waiting patiently for my reply I reasoned that the only way I could give serious consideration to the question was to transfer the glass to my left hand, commence drinking and scribble down the answer on my Pub Quiz pad. Alternatively, I could have asked Horrace to re-word his question to something like: "What have you been drinking", or preferably. Would you like another drink. However, I knew what the sweet man meant and used my common-sense, and replied, "Best thank you Horrace."
Horrace was back in a flash and gave me some friendly advice. "Don't let that girl put you off lad, she always wears that skirt quiz night." It appeared that Janet was the "Coach & Horses" secret weapon. I looked interested and commented. "I wondered why she hadn't yet answered a single question correctly. She's just there to distract the opposition then? ." "That's right son." Horrace explained paternally, and concluding. "You just concentrate on your game - it's important to Derek is this one." Adding. "They thrashed us at home you know."
Both teams returned to battle stations and Derek kept his troops and the Landlord happy by handing around a massive bag of peanuts. Derek could never eat before a match, but as soon as the first question was put he instantly relaxed and became ravenous. We all accepted a handful even though we noticed Horrace had been to the toilet during the interval and could not have possibly had chance to wash his hands in the short time he spent there. Nevertheless, despite knowing what Horrace had held in his hand only a few moments before, I took my share.
The Question Master banged the table with Hammer & Block, the room became quiet again and the barman relaxed wiping the sweat from his brow with a tea towel that would be used to dry customer's glasses in due course. "The "Coach & Horses" your team question." The "Coach & Horse's" heads nearly touched as the question was asked. "History now "Coach & Horses" Which English eighteenth century Monarch's son successfully put down the second Jacobite rebellion?" Derek winked at me knowingly. He had a pint at the "Duke of Cumberland." and had read an ornamental scroll on the wall that had recorded the Dukes achievements while Rachel was in the toilet. Unfortunately, the "Coach & Horses" courtesy of the genius in the tiny circular glasses knew the answer as well and proclaimed boldly "William Augustus The Duke of Cumberland." Adding cockily, 1716-1765. Derek tutted and gestured - never mind.
"Nature "Heron"." "Which woodland toad stool has ingeniously evolved to smell like human faeces to attract flies that, in turn, help fertilise this unusual fungus?" Despite Janet's untimely cross of her legs Horrace responded with the answer. "The Stinkhorn." The Question Master acknowledged the correct answer while Janet, foiled again, wriggled herself back into a more dignified position. At first I thought the Question Master was going to insist on the Latin name for the Stinkhorn. Not that I knew it, or even the imaginative common name. Brilliant really isn't it. I don't know how these botanists think up all these names for mushrooms. It's always nice to see fungus, and I admit I have even pointed out any that aren't pale cream, but that's as far as it goes. Normally speaking fungus is pretty dull stuff, so imagine the thrill it must have been to find the Stinkhorn. I mean, a mushroom that actually does something. To be honest, you’ve seen one mushroom and you've seen them all, but one that smells like farts, well that's something! What a remarkable world the good lord has created for us. If you have seen a Stinkhorn the name does make sense as it looks remarkably like the male reproductive organs. For refined readers the Latin name, for this unmistakable, edible mushroom is Phallus impudicus, and should not to be confused with the, much smaller variety, Mutinus canius or Dog Stinkhorn.
The next hour and three quarters went off without incident and both sides were on impressive form. We had pushed ahead 22 to 28, however, and with eight further questions to follow in the final individual round it looked fairly promising that we could clinch it. The "Coach & Horses” went first and got everything right. The score was now 32 to 28 in the their favour, and Derek was looking anxious. Horrace tried to put it in perspective and motivated. "We only need two to draw and three to win, we can do it." Janet would be doing her worst to make sure we didn't do it, but if we failed it would be not be because of her. Derek was certainly beyond distractions of that kind, it meant too much to him not to lose against "this lot", as he put it, especially a second time. I wasn't worried about Janet, in my view, she had peaked when Horrace (who she knew was vulnerable) failed to respond to a blatant full frontal flash she arranged to coincide with the final seconds of the time allowed for a particularly difficult maths question. That hadn't worked and frankly her efforts were becoming ridiculous. I had been mildly amused at the beginning, but it wasn't very subtle and done for quite the wrong reasons, which, for me, spoilt the intended affect. Janet's exhibition was just funny now, but to be fair she was an attractive woman and it may well have worked on a team less enthusiastic than ours. Ironically I think Janet was a bit hurt when Derek fluffed a question because someone in the audience broke wind, after paying no attention whatsoever to her disingenuous examination of a ruffled hem six inches above the knee. Anyway Derek didn't need any further sexual stimulation. He had been married for thirty years and despite a dodgy hip joint still managed sexual intercourse reasonably frequently for a man of his age. So Derek had no problem with his individual question which was "Who invented the Hovercraft?" Louise was flawless in her answer to spell Chrysanthemum, but Horrace couldn't remember the chemical abbreviation for Silver, although, in mitigation, Janet did "drop" her pencil, skillfully revealing the tops of her thighs, at a crucial stage in the proceedings, so it was down to me. Get this right and the game would be ours, get it wrong and Derek would never let me forget it. I fixed my eyes on the questioner and he asked unusually quietly and precisely for dramatic effect. "In computing what does "RAM" stand for?" Derek shook his head and Louise shot me an expression that beckoned an answer. They needn't have worried you either know the answer to this sort of question or you don't. I used computers all the time and if you use computers this is the sort of mindless jargon you pick up and I answered "Random Access Memory". "Correct "Heron"." Congratulated the Question Master adding. "The "Heron" win 34 points to 32."
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